They are out there – the people who make us seethe inside; the people who make us tense up and get stressed out before they open their mouths; the people who make us feel inadequate; the bullies, the passives, the yes people, the negative and the complainers.

We all have difficult people in our lives, whether it be an employee, our boss, co-worker, relative or friend. Many times we must deal with these people on a daily basis. But what can we do to change them?

Want to know how to deal with difficult people? Don’t try to change them. What you can change is your reaction to their behavior; which usually changes their reaction to you.

Listed below are some techniques that may help. Look forward to feeling more in control and less frustrated on the job, at home, or in your personal relationships. Four major steps can help you when dealing with a difficult person:

1. Pinpoint the problem. Describe the difficult behavior; ask yourself with whom the difficult behavior occurs and how frequently. How does this person act? Are they very aggressive; are they a complainer; are they passive and tend to be a yes person?; Does their behavior occur just with you, or with everybody? Does the behavior occur all the time or only in certain situations?

2. Examine the relationship. Why do you think the behavior is occurring? Is it related to low self-esteem; are there personal problems going on at home; does the person feel inadequate or are they trying to always get their way?

3. Determine the costs. Think about the negative effects of this behavior on you and others; is it taking a toll on a working relationship or a family relationship; are others refusing to work with this person; is there a great amount of tension in the home?

4. Search for a solution. Get an agreement with and a commitment to the solution. Plan how you are going to discuss this problem with the other person, how you will begin, what you hope to accomplish, what special concerns you have about this problem, what difficulties you might experience during the discussion, and how you will handle them.

Difficult people don’t just happen; they are created. Beliefs, attitudes, values, communication styles, thinking styles, environment and past experiences all play a part in how people cope and behave. Alcohol, drug use and emotional problems also play a part in how people react. By changing our old habits and learning new strategies, we can learn to handle difficult people more effectively. One very important factor to realize is that the behavior, no matter how difficult, makes sense to the other person. We all learn to deal with situations in different ways. We become comfortable with those strategies and we can all be difficult to someone else.

 Remember, you cannot change the other person’s behavior, but you can change how you react to him or her. If you try different strategies and nothing works, then follow these simple steps: remain calm; listen actively; be firm; be persistent; be confident; try to lessen your exposure to, or reduce the causes of, the behavior.

Using these steps may not change the difficult people in your life, but you will find the situation easier to handle and you will gain more "people skills" in the long run.

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The Mental Health Association is a member agency of United Way and NAMI and is partially funded by the Community Mental Health & Recovery Board.

Judith Waite Allee
Parent Support Coordinator
Mental Health Association of Licking County
(740) 522-2277, fax (740) 522-4464

Let's be . . . stigma free!

OUR MISSION: To promote mental health and achieve victory over mental illness.